Your Use of the English Language Sucks: Church Peeves Part 3
This is the third in a 5-part series of things about church/churchgoers that piss me right the hell off that are of little or no consequence whatsoever:
3) Your use of the English language sucks
Did you know that “the resurrection” is not an event, it’s a person? Me neither. Of course, this was said in my wife’s church referring to Jesus. So Jesus isn’t just man and God, he’s also an event, too? Jesus is a freakin’ Swiss Army Knife.
I’m not sure if that works. Can I just claim an event for myself? As in “the passing-of-gas is not an event, it’s King Aardvark?" Does that make sense? It’s not like it’s Jesus’ boxing nickname (Jesus “The Resurrection” Christ would work, though we saw how bad he was at boxing in South Park).
I think this is all part of a ploy to break the audience’s brains so they’ll stop thinking and just suck everything in.
Another thing that bothers me is the capitalization of anything remotely to do with God/Jesus. You don’t write, “Where is KING AARDVARK going in His Car? Is He going for pizza? KING AARDVARK, You have stated it is the Truth that mushrooms are your favourite topping. It is an example of Your Wisdom.”
You don’t write that, yet somehow this has become the preferred style when writing about God.
One more thing: How come when members of the congregation get up to lead a prayer they start speaking with archaic ‘thee’s and ‘thou’s and ‘verily’s and the like? Dude, who the hell do you think you are? This isn’t 16th century England, you’re not a Shakespearean actor, and the Bible you use is the freaking New International Version, for crap’s sake.
To summarize: having obnoxious word/capitalization usage doesn’t make you look pious; rather, it makes you look like a giant douchebag who has been drinking too much douche-flavoured Cool-Aid and fell out of a douche tree, striking every branch on the way down. Please speak/write like a normal human being, ya douche.