22 September 2008

Your Use of the English Language Sucks: Church Peeves Part 3

Church Peeves: Part 3

This is the third in a 5-part series of things about church/churchgoers that piss me right the hell off that are of little or no consequence whatsoever:

3) Your use of the English language sucks

Did you know that “the resurrection” is not an event, it’s a person? Me neither. Of course, this was said in my wife’s church referring to Jesus. So Jesus isn’t just man and God, he’s also an event, too? Jesus is a freakin’ Swiss Army Knife.

I’m not sure if that works. Can I just claim an event for myself? As in “the passing-of-gas is not an event, it’s King Aardvark?" Does that make sense? It’s not like it’s Jesus’ boxing nickname (Jesus “The Resurrection” Christ would work, though we saw how bad he was at boxing in South Park).

I think this is all part of a ploy to break the audience’s brains so they’ll stop thinking and just suck everything in.

Another thing that bothers me is the capitalization of anything remotely to do with God/Jesus. You don’t write, “Where is KING AARDVARK going in His Car? Is He going for pizza? KING AARDVARK, You have stated it is the Truth that mushrooms are your favourite topping. It is an example of Your Wisdom.”

You don’t write that, yet somehow this has become the preferred style when writing about God.

One more thing: How come when members of the congregation get up to lead a prayer they start speaking with archaic ‘thee’s and ‘thou’s and ‘verily’s and the like? Dude, who the hell do you think you are? This isn’t 16th century England, you’re not a Shakespearean actor, and the Bible you use is the freaking New International Version, for crap’s sake.

To summarize: having obnoxious word/capitalization usage doesn’t make you look pious; rather, it makes you look like a giant douchebag who has been drinking too much douche-flavoured Cool-Aid and fell out of a douche tree, striking every branch on the way down. Please speak/write like a normal human being, ya douche.

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2 Comments:

At September 24, 2008 4:58 PM, Blogger TheBrummell said...

...it makes you look like a giant douchebag who has been drinking too much douche-flavoured Cool-Aid and fell out of a douche tree, striking every branch on the way down.

Ick. I had a rather yucky and graphic mental image form reading that particular sentence. My coffee doesn't taste good any more.

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This series is excellent, I'm looking forward to parts IV and V.

 
At November 03, 2008 7:49 PM, Blogger Lifewish said...

The ironic thing, if I recall correctly, is that "thee" and "thou" was the impolite form. Used to be that we had "thee" for personal use and "you" for formal use (like the french have "tu" and "vous"). But then people started to get uppity about merely being called "thee", and the form fell into disuse.

There's a good story in William James' "Varieties of Religious Experience" about a Quaker who got a lot of flak for bucking the trend and calling everyone "thee". And now people use it like it's a sign of respect for tradition. Funny how things turn around, isn't it?

 

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