25 September 2008

Hard-Ons for Jesus: Church Peeves Part 4

Church Peeves: Part 4

This is the fourth in a 5-part series of things about church/churchgoers that piss me right the hell off that are of little or no consequence whatsoever:

4) Hard-ons for Jesus, yet anti-gay

It’s true: a good number of the men who go to church have literal hard-ons for Jesus. Want proof? Okay:

Think about how many times you hear a guy speaking at the church who says things like he “loves Jesus,” or is “in a relationship with Him,” or “desperately needs Him,” or is "passionate with Jesus" and the like.* For those of you who haven’t been to church in a while, I’ll give you a hint: it’s a lot. And these are self-proclaimed manly men – the type that would never admit to having loving feelings towards male members of their own families. Ergo, we have to assume these yearnings for Jesus have some homosexual undertones.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. I know from the Kinsey studies that people are on a sliding scale from fully straight to fully gay with most people in between. Their hard-ons for Jesus are purely natural, considering how wonderful Christians believe he is. Definitely mancrush-worthy if you like the skinny bearded type.

The problem is that the man love that these guys embrace does not extend to men other than Jesus. You’d think that this man-man common ground would lead to a positive understanding between Christian men and homosexuals, but strangely it does not.

* re: the “loves Jesus,” “desperately needs Him,” etc. It really is like the South Park episode where Cartman starts a successful Christian music act by taking fluffy pop songs and replacing the ‘girl’s and ‘baby’s with ‘Jesus’

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4 Comments:

At October 01, 2008 2:21 PM, Blogger Trou said...

When I was in Bible School 35 years ago I had a teacher who, when leading prayer, would encourage us to "make love to Jesus". Eew! Really he did. We were always raising our hands and closing our eyes and sometimes speaking in tongues just like Sarah Palin probably does now but the extra visual of making love to Jesus always seemed to put a damper on it for me.
He liked to teach the Song of Solomon also.

 
At October 01, 2008 5:00 PM, Blogger King Aardvark said...

That's just creepy.

Thanks for sharing.

 
At October 02, 2008 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anne said...

The sexual connection with Jesus goes back hundreds of years. Think of the nuns, and John Donne's religious poetry. I'm sure there are many examples if one had a strong enough constitution to look.

So I guess this is just the modern manifestation. Thank goodness I never went to a church like that. Really creepy, as you say.

Maybe their fear/anger toward homosexuality is based on some jealousy kind of thing. Like the profane earthly love is taking away from their connection to Jesus. Makes you wonder what kind of relationship they have with their wives. It's all very weird and kinda gross.

 
At October 04, 2008 11:27 AM, Blogger King Aardvark said...

Well, nuns kind of makes sense (in a weird way). But married, nominally straight guys is another matter entirely.

Anyway, it's more the hypocracy than the sexual Jesus connection that peeves me, so maybe your jealousy hypothesis is worth doing some psychological studies on. It's better than any other theory I've heard about it. Well, it's probably the only explanation I've heard about.

 

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