01 October 2008

Church Peeves: Part 6 - Bonus Good Stuff

Over the past couple of weeks, I've posted a series of 5 posts of inconsequential stuff about some churches/churchgoers that really bugs me.

So in fairness, here is a quick one-off post of 5 inconsequential things about church that are actually pretty decent:

1) Musicians
Depending on the church (the younger and bigger the better) you can find some pretty damn good musicians. Too bad the music they play sucks monkey balls.

2) Charity work
Yeah, they run a few food drives and the Christmas shoebox campaign, so that’s good. Unfortunately, most of the programs at my wife’s church are of the bible camp/missionary trip/self-help program variety rather than outright charitable causes. Still, at least some of the money they collect isn’t spent on new Powerpoint projectors and a sweet games room.

3) The handful of guys slouched over and sleeping in their chairs
They hide in the back. They prop their heads up. They slouch and sleep. They really don’t want to be there. Perhaps, like me, they are forced to be there by their wives. In these guys, I feel like I’ve found a few kindred spirits. I, for one, am appreciative of when the pastor calls on the congregation to bow their heads in prayer because then I can rest my eyes for a while. I believe these guys feel the same way, and I respect that.

4) Hot girls
My wife would kill me for mentioning it, but at many churches I’ve been to, there are a lot of good-looking young women. And, while they aren’t dressed slutty per se, they are definitely advertising themselves for something. Not that I’m looking. Of course not. [shifty eyes]

5) Standing up, sitting down
And Standing up, and sitting down, then standing up again, followed by sitting down. You get the picture. It’s awesome. No wait, I fucking hate it. I must have run out of positive things to talk about. Oh well, at least it’s good exercise. And at least we don’t go to a Catholic church. How do Catholics not have huge quad muscles?

So in summary, church isn’t all horrible. There are at least a couple of good things going on for the annoyed atheist. Do they make church bearable? Hell no.

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At October 01, 2008 9:09 a.m., Blogger Eamon Knight said...

I gather "your" church is into the Contemporary Christian Music stuff, a lot of which really is pretty vapid. Most of my experience was with more traditional, classically-inspired choral music, with organ rather than guitars. Being a classical fan, I was pretty happy with that. Of course being also a folkie, I can go the other way, too....

At October 01, 2008 9:38 a.m., Blogger King Aardvark said...

Oh yes, "my" church has nothing but very contemporary fluffy souless pop crap rubbish. Classical stuff would be a nice change.

(I like the "your" church thing. I might have to steal that.)

At October 02, 2008 4:17 p.m., Anonymous Karen said...

The Catholic church I attended back in the late '70s had one hell of a good music group. They somehow found really interesting arrangements for hymns, with multiple voice parts and music parts, and the occasional drum solo or guitar riff. It's the only contemporary church music I ever liked.

Eamon Knight is right, most contemporary stuff is so fluffy it makes clouds seem dense in comparison. Perhaps that's so it will "rise to god".

KA, if you really hate church so much, why do you go? Does it really matter all that much to your wife? Have you ever explained to her how truly unpleasant it is, and that it is pushing you further away from her belief system?

At October 04, 2008 11:22 a.m., Blogger King Aardvark said...

Hey karen, your church's music sounds not bad at all. "My" church doesn't use hymns; they use pop crap. No decent solos.

Rise to God, good one.

Why do I go? I guess I can't say "no" to my wife ;-) I've explained, though not as forcefully as I probably could. Actually, I think I'll try that "pushing me further from her belief system" thing. I don't think it will work though - she'll probably see it as a bare-faced attempt to skip church.

At October 04, 2008 8:08 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

If any of you are wondering, KA really IS that spineless. I get to see it every holiday or long weekend they visit. Shudder.


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